May 19, 2004

• would you rather be a nobody that makes a lot of money, or a somebody that makes no money? 

   a nobody that makes a lot of money
   a somebody that makes no money

  this is an example of one of the many questions that i've been wrestling with in the last few years, and even moreso in the past few weeks.  this is nothing new to the xanga world; i posted thoughts regarding this dilemna both two months ago (march 10th) and ten months ago (august 19th).  i've been contemplating major changes in my professional life for some time, but doubts and fears have always inhibited me from taking the plunge.  but as time passes, the more i realize that such doubts and fears are unwarranted or unnecessary, or how flawed my reasoning is for such inhibitions.  and the more i hedge and haw on these choices, the less time is on my side.

  i think everyone has an innate desire to be special or do something special, to be doing something worthwhile or uniquely different from everyone else.  in our family and career-oriented professional lives, this may be hard to achieve, if not impossible.  we all seek to varying extents a certain level of wealth and stability, so it's not surprising that a lot of us aspire to be doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc.  for some these may be the career paths of choice; for others, like myself, they're the paths of least resistance, defined by societal or peer influences.  while i've enjoyed my work enough to make a decent income and acheive certain levels of responsibility, i still experience many more frustrations than pleasures on a day-to-day basis.  it bothers me that i'm relatively mediocre at what i do, that i don't find my work fun or interesting, that i feel very replaceable, and that i don't feel very important.  i do like the fact that i'm overpaid, but those other feelings of insecurity make my job barely fulfilling.  i'm not saying someone in my line of work or career path (or any career path) can't be special or become a somebody in the eyes of the world.  but in my own eyes, i can't see myself having a lot of pride or motivation in what i do, no matter how much money i make or how high a position i attain.  it's simply not what i want to do.  without sounding cliché, a part of me tells me that i have to at least pursue my true dreams and see where the road leads, to at least try to be successful in something i want to do.  if it leads me back to where i started, so be it, but at least i can say i tried and feel secure in who i am and what i can or cannot accomplish.  otherwise, i'll forever be mired in my own feelings of doubt and discontentment.

  the obvious negative is the self-centered nature of such a journey.  notice the recurring use of the i pronoun.  one of the major hindrances, especially at my age, is that all of this is occuring at a point where i should be thinking of settling down and becoming accumulative, not for riches sake but for the sake of supporting a family.  no doubt these are some of the reasons why my own parents or family would prefer me to stay in a stable job with a nice income, or at least go to professional school where there's a clear, defined path of income and stability.  and being single, a subconscious fear is the image of my own qualities as a potential husband and father; any girl and their parents would wisely consider a guy's future career goals and earning potential as evaluative criteria, fair or not.  if someone is in their late twenties and re-thinking their entire outlook on life and career goals, it does leave a bit of uncertainty in the eyes of an outside observer.  and when it comes down to it, family should always come before career, right?  is it worth it to sacrifice time, money, and potential family happiness for career goals that are neither clear nor assured?

  i realize that whatever path i tread on i may never become a somebody in the world's eyes, or even my own.  but it hurts to think about what i could potentially be losing out on if i pursued either career path.  is the potential gain worth the inevitable loss and sacrifice?  i'm weighing the sides and hoping to make some major decisions sometime soon.  i'll keep you posted.

  • 2:39 am
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