during church on sunday pastor dave made a reference to ropes courses, those outdoor challenges that people do for stuff at camps, retreats, or teambuilding events.  such courses are ideal for these kinds of events since they help to build trust and self-confidence; the common setup is to have elements of a course 30 feet or more above the ground, providing individual challenges where a person must overcome fear, self-consciousness, and preconceived notions of failure.  it reminded me of the one time i ever had to perform such challenges - at a computer camp.

yes, i went to a computer camp.  i think i was around 11 or 12 at the time, and like any other stereotypical asian boy, i was into computers.  we all got assigned to programming tracks and spent the day either in programming class, robotics class, or something they called action-adventure.  action-adventure was an extensive ropes course program which obviously had nothing to do with computers.  it didn't dawn upon me at the time but this was obviously the program's attempt to make computer nerds a little more normal.  i should have been offended - my parents were paying thousands of bucks for me to learn programming, yet the program wasted a third of my time doing petty outdoor activities which i didn't need.  this was pretty much the program saying, 'yeah, we'll teach you computer stuff, but since you guys are all cowards, have no self-confidence, and can't interact in teams, we're going to force you to climb trees and ropes.'   

thinking back to some of my computer camp classmates, and to even my experiences with engineers in the real world, these judgements weren't too far off.  the usefulness of such a program in a computer camp makes sense in hindsight.  it's just kind of amusing reflecting upon it.  for many of the computer camp participants, the action-adventure program was quite an ordeal; i distinctly recall a number classmates who epitomized computer geekdom through their non-computer cowardice. 

 i remember one outdoor game/challenge that caused a lot of difficulty, a sort of tarzan swing where you had to jump from a decent height and swing across a supposed 'pit of man-eating snakes'.   in order for the team to succeed, every member of the team had to make it across.  it was a big deal to get everyone to do it, so even the biggest whimps were forced into trying (yay for peer-pressure).  eventually, everyone on the team made it across, with the exception of two final guys, i.e. the two biggest cowards of the bunch.  one of the guys, a tall, lanky blond with standard-issue, computer-nerd glasses, gutted it out and made it across, but it was hilarious seeing him do so - he clutched the rope for dear life, closed his eyes, and screamed like a baby the entire swing across.  everyone was laughing at him but we had to give him props for making it over.  the last kid, a short, pudgy asian kid, was a bit less successful; he used similar childish techniques (closing his eyes, clutching the rope, screaming his heart out), but instead of making it across, he basically did a face-plant into the pit of snakes.  lots of crying ensued and the game was over. 

lessons learned?  if you suck it up and confront your fears, you'll either be laughed at or eaten alive by snakes.  so maybe not every kid improved their trust and self-confidence that day.  but over the course of the program, it was fun to learn code and overcome natural fears and inhibitions, regardless of how dorky we may have been.

i'm not a big car person.  if you've seen my wheels, either currently or in the past, you'd already realize that.  in fact, i've never bought or owned a new car - only used cars.  when i'm visting home in boston i drive a beat-up mercury topaz circa 10,000 b.c. (stylin' with duct tape and all).  when i lived in dc and chicago, i drove the pimpin' 'hi' car, a 1996 plymouth neon.  and here in cali, i've upgraded to a majestic 1996 nissan 200sx, replete with squealing brakes, chipping paint, and a few unwashable paint marks from my friendly local towing establishment.  i'm sure the ladies are impressed. 

a part of me can understand the appeal of fancy motorworks.  from an engineering standpoint, it can be a guy's ultimate playground for performance tweaks and design optimization.  a car can also be a source of pride and ownership, a person's palace for both self-gratification and self-presentation.  and considering the cost of a car and the time spent in one, why not shell out a few extra bucks to make one's ride truly worthwhile.

so why do i care less about my car?  there's probably a number of reasons, stemming from both my upbringing and what i personally value.  i grew up on the east coast in a non-asian environment where teenagers were lucky to have a car let alone twenty-inch rims.  i never had a car growing up or in college, so just buying one after college was exciting enough.  furthermore, my parents, atypical of other asian families, weren't very brand-conscious when it came to automobile choice.  my parents never got the sleek imports every other asian family seemed to have.  my dad was big on buying cheap used cars and running them to the ground - he was actually very handy with cars and always tried to fix mechanical issues himself (i.e. he was your typical cheap and thrifty asian parent, which i love about him).  among the unpopular models i rode in were a plymouth reliant k-car, an ageless subaru wagon, and a radio-less dodge colt with no air conditioning, just to name a few.  my personal fave was the renault le car, which to this day is the biggest crap of a car i've ever seen in my life.

my lack of interest in owning or tuning a nice automobile also comes from a sense of value and what i deem important in my life.  a lot of this probably comes from my childhood and the values passed on to me at home - like my parents, i'm pretty thrifty and not very materialistic.  of course, being thrifty and cheap can also translate to a twisted form of greed - i see automobiles not as a luxury to be enjoyed but as a practical necessity that is instantly a losing investment.  these days i think excessively about buying real estate and investing in stocks; buying a new car would only serve to decrease my net worth and value in those areas.  so while some people may be excessively superficial in their desire to own or present themselves in a nice car, i simply shift those desires to other forms of wealth or acceptance. 

i'm also a horrible driver.  i abuse my engine by not getting oil changes, wait for the last possible second to get mechanical fixes done, and seem to have a knack for hitting stationary objects.  this inability to maintain my car's condition and worth provides further disincentive to buy something upscale or nice.  needless to say my current car's value is probably not even close to it's blue book value.  considering how often i drive into the city, owning an expensive vehicle would simply make me unduly paranoid and stressed about damage or theft.  it's nice owning a car and not really caring about it - i'd actually make a few extra bucks if someone stole my car.  i've had my current vehicle for over 3 years and have no intention of changing it anytime soon; the only reason i don't still drive my old neon is because i totalled it somewhere in redwood city (perhaps another future xanga story).

one of these days i'll buy a new car and take care of it.  most likely after i get married or have a family, when i or someone else might actually care about stuff like safety, capacity, and gas mileage.  in the meantime, i'll be content just getting from point a to point b in a reasonable amount of time.

like many of my friends, i'm at a stage in my life where i wonder about my job and face decisions that could ultimately map out the rest of my professional life.  you could say i'm encountering the so-called 'twenty-something life crisis', where you're forced to re-evaluate your career and think hard about the future ahead.  i have questions similar to many others in my age-group:  can i see myself doing the same job for the rest of my life?  if not, what else do i see myself doing?  if indeed a career change is desirable, how should i go about doing it?  is it too late to even attempt such a change?  will friends, family, or the rest of the world judge me differently if i do something different or 'less practical'?

there are always the lucky few who know exactly what they want and devote all their time and energy to reaching those goals.  for the rest of us, we often stumble into our occupations, whether those choices came from societal expectations or mere circumstance.  for myself, i've never really figured out what i've wanted - if anything i've wanted to do too many things (or nothing at all).  i won't bore you with the story of my life like i usually do, but i'll say this - you don't meet too many sociology majors in my line of work.  i would be a perfect example of someone who's truly stumbled upon their career path, be it through practical choices and/or economic circumstances.

i typically see two sources of discontentment within my peer-group in the workplace.  one, the lack of personal fulfillment, and two, issues of self-esteem or self-worth.  there are other reasons for job dissatisfaction, but i do feel that the majority of workplace issues, at least for myself, can be traced to one if not both of these sources.

the ideal of fulfillment is commonly associated with doing something altruistic, e.g. helping an old lady across the street, working at a soup kitchen. etc.  while we all desire to serve our fellow man to a certain extent, this gives an incomplete picture of where fulfillment comes from, especially as it relates to our careers.  there are plenty of us who are unhappy with their jobs, but this hardly means we'd rather be giving to the poor or feeding the hungry.  rather, we seek fulfillment in the sense that we all want a job where we genuinely care about our work.  for many, the knowledge of tangibly helping others and changing lives is a huge source of fulfillment.  but for others, this source of fulfillment can come from nearly anywhere.  for instance, i find work most fulfilling when i feel a sense of creativity and ownership.  if i'm implementing or producing my own ideas, i can't help but care for what i'm doing and feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when my work is completed and recognized.  of course, this rarely happens, hence my own current lack of personal fulfillment - i have very little ownership of my tasks and there's little chance for creativity and individual recongnition when you're doing stuff a monkey could probably replicate.

the idea of recognition provides a lead-in for the second source of unhappiness in the workplace, lack of self-esteem or self-worth.  simply stated, we all want a job where we feel important.  what we deem as important is variable from person to person (importance may come from money, level of influence, occupation etc.), but the sentiments are the same.  at entry-levels, you need to have a clear view of what it takes to move up, and if performace, politics, or culture are preventing your career development, some dissatisfaction is to be expected.  you could easily love programming and get a job as a programmer, but if you're not very good or if you're treated like dirt, happiness may be a stretch.  taking it a step further, some occupations, no matter how well you're treated or how far you move up, might inherently feel inferior or lacking in prestige.  coming back to my own personal experience, i'm a tiny peon in a large, corporate culture, doing something i'm pretty mediocre at, working within a group that has limited visibility and no career advancement potential.  when you combine my menial position with an innately high self-esteem, a bit of discontentment is a given.

of course, some people might get into trouble when they focus too heavily on one of these issues.  for instance, someone might spend their whole life trying to do something that makes them feel important, but ultimately have no passion for what they do.  or vice versa, someone devotes their career to something they truly care about, only to be unnecessarily burdened by finances or demeaned by the outside world.  there are other issues, such as work-life balance and money, that can also affect priorities, but even those issues don't negate the two basic desires described.

so i need to find a career path where i not only care about what i'm doing, but also feel important.  unfortunately, such a perfect situation doesn't always exist; there's almost always going to be some compromises or misbalances somewhere.  regardless, i've given myself three options to move in that direction:

1. go to business school.  this one falls under the 'making myself feel important' category.  while i have no strong desire to go to b-school, there is a strong part of me that desires stability and appeasing family and culture's views of success.  this would seem like the most practical thing to do and look most stable in the eyes of others.  and it's always possible that b-school will present new areas of opportunity that are more fulfilling than my current occupation.
2. do something different.  some of you already know what these 'different' things may be.  but since i haven't done much schooling or research in these different areas, there's no guarantee that i'd necessarily be more fulfilled by any of these.  not to mention the time and finances sacrificed for education and future salary levels.  but for the chance to do something i truly love for a living, perhaps it's worth pursuing.  or at least to find out for sure and avoid future questions of 'what if?'.
3. stay in my current position.  i do have a pretty good situation and it wouldn't be the end of the world to stay with my current company.  i work for a great company, work with awesome people, and have plenty of financial incentive to stick around.  but considering some of my earlier complaints, i feel this would simply be putting my life on hold and limiting my work-satisfaction potential.

to avoid inertia, i have a self-imposed deadline of this fall to make a decision.  time is not on my side - see my 'marriage by age 30' post for more details.  which makes it all the more probable to go with #1 - who wants to marry a guy who is in the process of starting their career from scratch?  pretty much if i haven't done anything for #2, i'll start filling out b-school applications come september.  but who knows, maybe circumstances will change and i'll stay put.

i realize i spend a lot of time talking about the obvious.  i guess i find it strangely therapeutic putting these thoughts into writing, however mundane they may be.

happy valentine's day.  in the spirit of the holiday, an appropriate news release came out this week:

http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/2/emw103691.htm

for those of you too lazy to click on the link, the article talks about a marketing firm's study that identifies 'the top ten u.s. cities in which to find a rich, single man':

1. the san francisco bay area (including oakland & san jose)
2. anchorage, alaska
3. washington dc – baltimore
4. sheboygan, wisconsin
5. naples, fl
6. the twin cities (minneapolis, st. paul, mn)
7. rochester, mn
8. boston, ma
9. fort walton beach, fl
10. dallas, texas

according to the study found at http://www.teasley.net, the bay area came out with the highest percentage of males (aged 25-34) never married, the second highest adjusted median income, and a single-male 'golden ratio' of 140% (140 single men for every 100 single women).  in the study's own words, 'the combination of many rich single men and the fantastic beauty of northern california make for a great place to search for your guy.'

so all you single ladies in the bay area - be thankful!  and all you single ladies not in the bay area - move here (or to anchorage or sheboygan)!

happy holidays from boston!  i hope everyone's having a fun and heartwarming holiday season.  i'm having the usual nice and relaxing break, with some surprisingly mild weather as an unexpected bonus.   it's a little strange this year since bill and fifi aren't around; now that they're no longer living in boston, they don't have the luxury of spending the holidays in both boston and san fran.   hopefully my parents haven't been too bored with just me around. 

i spent most of the afternoon today with some friends in harvard square.  it was a fun time - after having lunch at pho pasteur (upscale pho, if there is such a thing), we wandered around harvard square for awhile before settling at au bon pain for some coffee and conversation.  for whatever reason all the pastries were 50% off, so if this is some sort of holiday promotion, take advantage of it while you still can!  

harvard square was such a cool place for me way back when.  it used to be a common hangout during my high school and early college years - i have many fond memories of time spent in record stores like newbury comics, hmv, and tower records, not to mention some less fond memories of time wasted in girly-places like urban outfitters and beadworks.    harvard square was also where i wasted hours of time just surfing the web or checking email.  the internet was just beginning to take off back then so the campus connectivity was like an online playground for me.  i used to work in boston during the summers, so i'd always have a lot of extra time to kill - what better way to kill that time than in front of a computer (j/k, sort of).  i would just carry a book-bag and simply pose as a student while i checked my email at the harvard science center. 

memorable harvard science center moment:  one summer i was in a computer lab the same morning all the entering freshmen moved onto campus.  a lot of students were in the lab trying to access their email for the first time - one of these promising freshmen took a seat next to me at a computer that wasn't turned on.  he must have fumbled with the monitor and workstation for at least 15 minutes before i mercifully told him that the power switch was on the keyboard.  i guess it was understandable, since the student may have been unfamiliar with such 'user-friendly' macs, but it was still funny seeing this student, assuredly ready to take on the 'best and the brightest', struggle with a simple act of turning on a computer. 

i hate xanga.  i have to remember to copy my posts before submitting them - for the thousandth time xanga lost my entry as i tried to submit it.  anyways, let me try to do this again.

today was our big move-in day to the new ebay campus in san jose.  while the campus is nice, this was a day most of us were dreading.  here are some of the reasons why:

assimilation into the corporate ebay culture.  until now we had our own office in mountain view.  even though we were acquired about a year and a half ago, we stayed in our mountain view office and retained an independent and autonomous culture.  this allowed a sense of continuity and familiarity to remain - even with rapid growth in the last couple of years, you'd still be able to recognize most of the faces in the office.  as a part of an ebay 'campus', you can't help but feel that a bit of the paypal identity is lost.  the bigger buildings, the giant parking lot, the anonymous faces, the company cafeteria - all of this only makes me feel like i'm no longer part of a small up-and-coming company but rather a giant conglomerate.

move to a drab location.  my commute time is about the same, but our new locale (first and guadalupe) is a far cry from castro street in downtown mountain view.  we went from having multitudes of shops and restaurants to having a denny's and a mcdonalds.  a big downgrade indeed. 

loss of free food.  this is the big one, in my eyes.  we had a virtual farmers' market onsite - free food galore, including breads, bagels, fresh fruit, snacks, candies, deli meats, catered dinners...and even weird stuff like soy milk, power bars, and protein supplements.  needless to say i've gained a few extra pounds in the last couple of years.  it was strange earlier today at work - i had no incentive to stay late since there was no dinner coming in!   

of course, there are some positives.  the new campus does have nice athletic facilities, such as a fitness center, tennis courts, basketball courts, and sand beach volleyball courts.  and i did get an upgrade in cube location - i went from a very loud area near the kitchen to a nice window cube on the end of an aisle.  so maybe the loss of free food and the addition of athletic facilities will finally force my lazy butt to start cooking and exercising.

our move was accentuated by a lovely 6.5 earthquake this morning.  the epicenter was close to 200 miles away so we didn't get hit too hard, but you could definitely feel the building rolling back and forth.